“A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.” Proverbs 25:28
Ever wonder why self-control is so easy for everything, but the thing you are always tempted with? I wonder all the time, and this verse describes exactly how I feel every time I am tempted, and I don’t even try fighting it. I just indulge in it, and then once everything has been done, I realize what a horrible mistake I’ve made, and I sit feeling broken with no one around to help me. Sometimes I feel like God has become so fed up with me and decided to remove his hand of protection completely away from me. I try to pray – I try to ask for forgiveness butI feel like my prayers are so repetitive, and so superficial, that they have become nothing by hollow words.
It has been three whole years since I’ve given my life to Jesus Christ and I feel like I’ve gotten no where, like I never completely turned away from my sins. I feel like I should be somewhere after three years, like my relationship with God should be stronger than it is. And it hurts because I love God, and I believe with my whole heart that Jesus Christ died for my sins – that there is no other way to heaven than by Christ alone. Yet, for someone who believes so much, for someone who professes to love their creator, to love their Savior, I sure don’t show it much. Not in my daily, personal walk.
Yet, I know what it takes to remedy the problem I’m having; God has given me the remedy, but I never uses it, which shows me that not only do I have a problem with self-control, but also a problem with letting go of my pride. These are dangerous characteristics to have, and stumbling blocks that cannot be removed by oneself. The only things I know for sure as I write this post, is this: I love Christ and I love God because He first loved me, I know that as a Christian there will still be sin in my life, but through daily prayers, repentance and in reading the word of God, I can overcome those temptations with His help. I just have to learn to stop allowing outside influences to hinder that process. God has not removed himself from me; I believe I know what I know now as I finish this post, is that He is here, showing me what I’m letting go for the attractiveness of worldly pursuits.
He’s reminding me of several instances, where I have soaked up the thrill of “intellectual,” political conversations that I somehow manage to become a part of daily conversations that have never really benefited me in the long run, because the topics of these conversations (the problems we discuss) will never, ever go away no matter how much we try. This is only one example of those several things God has shown me in the duration of writing this post. So now, I’m happy. I’m happy because I know that God has heard my prayer. Not only that, He knows my anxieties and fears after the outcomes of my actions and He always proves to me that my fears are nothing more than that–fear.
I don’t know that I’m still making sense. To be honest, I feel like this post has ceased making sense two paragraphs ago, but that is usually what happens when it’s late at night whenever I decide to write about these things and my thoughts are still flying in all directions. With that, It’s probably best that I wrap this up as quickly and painlessly for whomever it may be reading this. I see this post as a blessing, because not only did it start out as serving for me, an outlet for all my anxiety, questions and fears, but it also ended hitting me with the realization that I need not fear, that God is still very much with me. I can now move on with the rest of my night peacefully. Good night.